ding dong, ding dong

12 Apr

Y’all.

TLC has a new show called “Strange Sex.” It might become a new obsession of mine. A sick, twisted obsession in which I relish how normal I really am that I don’t have 23 Y chromosomes, or that I didn’t grow two vaginas, or that I never stumbled across a man like Jonah Falcon, who has a 13.5 inch penis. Soft.

Holy shit, WHAT?

I think my mom nearly spewed chardonnay out her nose when they did the close up of his junk pretty much wrapped around his leg. Good lawd. We were rolling.

Speaking of rolling, I imagine it must be about the size of a rolling pin.

If you would like examples of other things that are 13.5 inches, I will be happy to provide them for you:

your forearm
1 and 1/9 subway footlong
a Zach Morris cell phone
a Barbie doll
a Katade-mochi bonzai tree
a bottle of wine
2-3 regular penises

I’m sorry, I promise the point of this post was not to recap the discussion in which the sex therapist informed viewers nation-wide that this man’s endowment could fracture the female cervix, or that Jonah has slept with so many women that “he can’t really remember but it’s definitely triple digits,” or that his blind date that he met online blurted out “I HEAR YOU HAVE A HUGE DONG!”

 Who wouldn’t want this hunka hunka burnin’ love?

Anyway, the actual inspiration for this post came from the Phallological Museum in Husavik, Iceland.
Let’s call a spade a fucking spade, people.
It’s a penis museum.

The owner, Sigurdur Hjartarson, is SUPER excited about receiving 95 year old Pall Arason’s pickled penis since his timely passing.

Arason is the first person to actually donate his penis. And Hjartarson is tickled pink. In fact, even his pickle it tickled!

“I have just been waiting for this guy for 15 years,” he told The Associated Press in a brief telephone interview.

You’ve been waiting 15 years for an old dude to die so you can have his formaldehyde soaked member? Is this more or less exciting than when you got your grubby little fingers on that “unusually big” penis bone from a Canadian walrus?

Apparently his obsession started when he used a whip made from bull penis to herd cattle as a youngster (this is one thing), and the next thing he knew, people were bringing him gifts of whale penis as gifts (this is a whole ‘nother thing)!

Somebody PLEASE explain to me how you become the guy that gets whale penis gifts.
“Oh, it’s Hjartarson’s birthday, what shall we get the lad? I know! A seal penis! You know how he just loves cock.”

For the record, he has 276, now 277, peni (is that the plural form?)

And I quote MSNBC:
“Photos posted to the museum’s website show small army of ghostly, whitish penises stuffed into jars, tall glass cylinders and large aquariums. There are sculptures, molds and other penis-related craft items. Outside, the museum has a large tree trunk carved into the shape of an erect phallus.”

He also seems to think that a dong donation is simply no different from donating a kidney. It’s just an organ, after all!

Maybe Jonah will be willing to send his good to Iceland when he meets his maker.
Then again, maybe not. He won’t be the big dog anymore if his measely little nub gets placed next to the 67 inch sperm whale penis.

That’s 5 feet 7 inches, by the way. There is a penis longer than I am tall. Can you even imagine how big those swimmers must be?

My gawd, I’m going to have nightmares tonight.

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One Response to “ding dong, ding dong”

  1. Daddy Greg April 14, 2011 at 10:11 am #

    I know that I’m going to have to leave home while you and mom watch this show! How embarrassing would would it be for one of you to ask me to stand up or sit like the weird ass Jonah, look back and forth at the tv for a few seconds and then laugh. What guy’s ego could withstand that?

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