The Food Plate: the answer to obesity

31 May

Extra, extra! Read all about it! The government will be issuing a new “food plate” to solve all of America’s fatty fat problems this Thursday. Obviously I’ll be anxiously awaiting with my popcorn to see this amazing new design that will replace the food pyramid, consequently making it easier for Americans to understand that we need to put more veggies on our plates. Because just saying it isn’t easy enough to comprehend….

Let’s dive in, shall we?

Well, doesn’t THAT look delicious? Scalloped potatoes, canned corn, maybe some frozen mealy broccoli to go with whatever the hell kind of meat that is with some crescent rolls (okay fine, those look pretty good…), all complimented by what I can only guess is some coleslaw and cucumbers! Mmmm… tasty! #sarcasmfont

Now I’ll admit, I’m one of those people who requests the divided plates on holidays because I just believe that certain foods should just never touch. Thanksgiving is especially bad because it’s like a contest of how many side dishes we can possibly create to feed 10 people. I don’t WANT my cranberry sauce touchin my mac n cheese. I don’t like green bean casserole glop running onto my roll and making it all soggy and cream of mushroom-soupy. I especially don’t want to use the same fork to eat my turkey and my pumpkin pue (lookin at you, grandpas of the world).

Anyway, my whole point is, that plate looks disgusting. And like an invitation to splurge at Golden Corral as long as the plate is half filled with buttered mashed potatoes, salad drenched in ranch dressing, and cinnamon apples, fruits and veggies right?!

Oh, and there will also be a little circle next to the plate for dairy. They suggest maybe a cup of yogurt, or perhaps a glass of milk. But God forbid it be CHOCOLATE MILK.

Lemme tell you something people, it’s not the chocolate milk. It’s the fact that if your parents fit in with people of Walmart, chances are you probably will too.

Luckily, all you have to do to solve the problem is put on a “Classy Lady” t-shirt, because if it’s scrawled across your chest, it MUST be true. I’m actually going to go out and buy one so that people at the bar understand that really, there is a classy lady under that layer of vodka.

In another unrelated rant, what the hell was that on the Bachelorette last night? Good one Ashley, take the poor date to Vegas and go ring shopping, cake tasting, and then actually go 90% through with a wedding in the chapel? The only thing crazier than her might have been the guy, who seemed to be completely romanticized by the floating dinner in the Bellagio fountains as onlookers scream “WE LOVE YOU ASHLEY!!!” Totally not awkward. Not awkward at all.

Almost as not awkward as quotes by Bentley. My personal favorite?
“I won’t be here until the end, she really isn’t my type. But she’s got a nice ass and if she’d tickle my balls, that’d be nice.”
Or something to that effect. Class act. Maybe we should get him a “Classy Gentleman” shirt?

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3 Responses to “The Food Plate: the answer to obesity”

  1. Paula June 2, 2011 at 5:21 pm #

    I feel a bit sick looking at that plate – there’s so much food there! I can’t eat that much in one sitting.

    Well, unless it’s pizza. Or chocolate.

    I’m sooo healthy…

    • blackcoffeetwosugars June 2, 2011 at 5:34 pm #

      Cheese and wine are my two mass-quantity meals. Yes, wine is sometimes a meal. Oops 🙂

  2. Adelie January 18, 2012 at 9:47 pm #

    That\’s not just logic. That\’s rellay sensible.

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