To my future boyfriend, on Valentine’s day

14 Feb

Valentine’s day. When every non-single (what is that called? Taken?) girl I know posts pictures of flowers, and chocolate, and breakfast with their honeys, and the single gals post bi-polar statuses evenly divided between their love for pink jeans and purple sweaters and how couples needy to die a bloody (red! yay!) death or choke on chocolates or something of the sort.

I’m apathetic toward Valentine’s day. I don’t really like flowers. I’m not saying that in an attempt to discount the fact I never receive them (I don’t – so there’s that). But they get all crumbly and die and shed all over my counter and I think roses smell like old people and I’m just not really a fan… Indoors. Outside they are really pretty. I especially like sunflowers and daffodils. I DO love chocolate. And wine. And rom coms. So I’ve got that going for me. In fact, I wish I had some awesome knit sweater with a giant heart on it, because I love me some holiday cheer and it would be really cute with red jeans.

So really, I’m not apathetic toward Valentine’s Day at all. I like it. Despite the fact that I have never celebrated it with anyone. Some people think this is sad. Well, I think people who are in relationships for the sake of being in a relationship are sad. And I don’t want to be one of those people. Honestly, I don’t think I could be one of those people. My former dog lives with my parents. I actually loved him, and I still sent him to live with them. I don’t think they would take a boyfriend…

BUT future boyfriend, wherever you are, I have 5 golden nuggets for you. They are both promises and threats, and I suggest you abide by them:

1. You will not woo me. I will decide in the first 2 minutes of meeting you if I ever want to pursue a romantic relationship with you and if I tell you no, I mean it. You will not win me over, especially by doing nice things for me. You will annoy me, smother me, and make me resent you. If you get me drunk, I will probably make out with you. Unfortunately for you, I would probably make out with a lamp post if I thought it was coming on to me. I’m Courtney, and I am a drunken make out slut.

2. I revert into a 5 year old child when I am hungry. Do not make fun of me for carrying trail mix in my purse. There will come a time where you will thank me for doing this for you. I’m not kidding when I say I turn into a raging bitch. That snickers commercial “you’re not you when you’re hungry”? That’s me. If I get hungry enough, I will just revert into a silent state due to inability to function, but until then, I will be a real pain in the ass. You should probably carry a granola bar in your pocket just in case. Do NOT ask me what I want to eat. I will fly into a rage. But also don’t make the mistake of recommending the wrong thing. “I don’t fucking care! Anything!” really means “pick right or die.” Once fed, I will be all sunshine and roses and act like my behavior was completely acceptable. I’m such a gem.

3. I expect you to know what kind of wine I drink. It’s actually the only thing I really expect of you besides always volunteering to drive. For the record, tempranillos, chiantis, cabernets, or red blends should be your go-tos. If you offer me white wine, I will be annoyed. If you offer me a rose? It’s over. Wine will solve so many problems for you. You’re welcome.
Editor’s note: IPAs and martinis are also acceptable offerings. I enjoy popcorn and mixed nuts as snacks. Give me a good cheese tray and you might get laid. Give me tequila and you’re definitely getting laid.

4. I promise to never, EVER rub or tuck my bare feet under your leg because my feet are cold. Feet are vile. I’ll put on a pair of socks, thank you. You will also be eternally grateful for this. Did I mention I run a lot? I have elephant feet and my pinky toes rarely have toenails. Like I said, real gem. Real gem. But I’m guessing you probably have long hairs sprouting from your big toe, so we’re even.

5. My last request. You must love music. And you must love to dance. Please note this doesn’t mean you need to actually look good while dancing. I’d actually prefer you look quite ridiculous as to take away from my painful white girl finger snaps and flailing arms. If you happen to tackle me in a fit of dancing passion, I’ll probably just lay on the floor and laugh.

6. I added one. You have to be good looking. Call it vanity if you want. One good looking person deserves another. I need our offspring to have a fighting chance.

Happy valentine’s day future boyfriend. Until you come along, I’ll continue to get wine drunk on my own accord and enjoy my life as a single white female. It’s working out so far.

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7 Responses to “To my future boyfriend, on Valentine’s day”

  1. Some Guy February 14, 2012 at 12:12 pm #

    Do you like Malbecs?

    • blackcoffeetwosugars February 14, 2012 at 12:30 pm #

      I would leave off my favorite, wouldn’t I? indeed.

      • Some Guy February 14, 2012 at 12:39 pm #

        So you’re gonna say that if I were to cook you a tequila braised steak with blue cheese crumbles, paired with a nice malbec that it would not woe you?

      • Some Guy February 14, 2012 at 12:40 pm #

        woe? woo.

  2. Trace February 14, 2012 at 1:05 pm #

    “If I get hungry enough, I will just revert into a silent state due to inability to function, but until then, I will be a real pain in the ass. You should probably carry a granola bar in your pocket just in case. Do NOT ask me what I want to eat. I will fly into a rage. But also don’t make the mistake of recommending the wrong thing. “I don’t fucking care! Anything!” really means “pick right or die.” Once fed, I will be all sunshine and roses and act like my behavior was completely acceptable.”

    Is… is this a problem? Because I kind of just thought this was normal human behavior?

    • blackcoffeetwosugars February 14, 2012 at 2:59 pm #

      THANK YOU! Been telling people it’s normal human behavior for years. Totally telling everyone from now on that my friend Traci and I agree it’s normal and that makes it so.

  3. Ally Pitt February 14, 2012 at 4:18 pm #

    Shiiiiiiiiiiiiit! I just read your blog, If I knew I had no chance of wooing you I would have gone straight in with two feet and given you a little check list –

    1 – I am a snack fiend and have no interest in offering any food advice to anyone, I like what I like, you like what you like! I will eat anything, no drama, let’s just get the food out, don’t look at it, just eat it!

    2 – I am all over wine like a cheap suit and after living with my mother know the importance of keeping at least 6 bottles of her favourite wine always on standby. I will even join a wine club that delivers cases to your door and not expect to have one drop of it unless offered!

    3 – I love cheese, I love popcorn and I am officially the only person I know who has an unequivacol love for all things Tequila. In fact anyone I emply must do a Tequila stuntman at the Christmas Party, even when we have grown from a team of 3 to 26, no one misses out, not even 53 year old women and teetotal athletes.

    4 – My feet are hideous from years of bigger boys stamping on my feet and running. Let’s get matching socks

    5 – I am pure eye candy. Our kids would have adorable cows licks and run like the fucking wind.

    So there you have Courtney, give me the nod and ill move to Dallas. I decided in the first 2 minutes of meeting you, that you are the only one for me, it is what is is

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